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Singlehood V: Miss Detective on a Mission

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I haven’t written a column for a long time because my laptop did an update and erased all the Notes I had, meaning everything I had prepared for my blog. Thank you very much, MacBook! I was so pissed that I didn’t open Notes for a long time, and here I am. Now, I have decided that I wouldn’t update the column weekly because I don’t have enough ‘stories’ to keep on rambling about, on my Singlehood, so I will upload one each month.

Anyway, last time I was talking about Mr. Stalker, whom I have talked to for the first time at the treadmill at my local gym. I didn’t realize he didn’t speak Dutch and his English was basic.

By that time, I had updated all my class maids about him, and a couple of friends. I told this story about the treadmill to a friend of mine, and if you don’t remember the story, here it is: I was running on the treadmill when I saw him walking by the gym. He came in, I was on the cool down mode and no other treadmill was free at that point. He saw me slowing down and came up to me and asked: « Finished? » I nod that I was finished and gave him the treadmill. At that point, I did not realize he didn’t speak Dutch and that his English was pretty basic.

This friend started laughing and told me it could come on handy to know the verb « finish » in other situations. I thought this was pretty hilarious. I like dirty jokes because I have a dirty mind. From that moment on I started to call him Mr. Finished, because that is just plain hilarious! 😉

Mr. Finished kept on eye-stalking me for months, and I kept being shy in his presence. No idea why, though. I don’t look him in the eye, I make sure I’m not too close to him at the gym. Somewhere, I’m scared he starts talking to me while I may not understand him and that is awkward.

But I was still curious to know where he was from. He does not speak Dutch, means he hasn’t been living in Belgium for a very long time. From the English I have heard from him, it’s pretty basic. The only language I know he speaks fluently is Arabic, but he has a weird accent, though. I’m not an expert on Middle Eastern Arabic, but it didn’t sound familiar to me. So, I’m such a curious person (my nickname is Detective), I decided to ask in a Facebook Group called Polyglots, what kind of Arabic it could be. Some gave me ideas but they couldn’t help me with the few information I had.

By that time, Ramadan was on, and I saw him eating and drinking in public. It kind of shocked me, as I expected him to be Muslim. Well, he could be a non-religious Muslim but as he probably just emigrated, most of these people are still pretty religious so I crossed that off my list. That made me think, again. With this whole situation in the Middle East, he could be a refugee (or ex-refugee probably) and where do non-Muslim refugees, from the Middle East come from these days? Iraq and Syria. My conclusion was: He must be a Yezidi. I started looking up information about the Yezidi people and indeed they are not Muslim (that is why they are persecuted) and some of them do speak Arabic at home, but they may have a different dialect from other standard-ish Iraqi Arabic.

That explained a lot about my thoughts, and I was pretty proud of myself that I had accomplished this whole mystery by myself. Well, I’m still not sure if he’s a Yezidi but he is got a friend at the gym who walks in a tank top and has a tattoo saying Yezidi on his arm so how obvious can it be? They’re always together, speak the same language, so I’m pretty sure this is the answer to my question. And that, made me curious even more…

Each month I am going to tell you a piece of my singlehood story and my last relationship, that will lead us to where I am today. If you are interested in knowing more, stay tuned on my blog, because I will be posting an article each week to tell you more about it. I will not divulge any real names in it, if one day I use a name, I will make sure to change the name to another one, except if that person is okay with being named. 

Until Next Time, 

Love | Sarah K.

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Singlehood, Part III: Lawyered!

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Last time in Singlehood, Part II: I’m over Mister Small Penis:

By that time, I had gained ten kilograms since the relationship started, to April 2014. I did realize I was fat but somehow didn’t want to do anything about it. Dating people was not in my vocabulary. A friend told me about Tinder and I made an account, that wasn’t the best experience to be honest. I had a lot of matches, but all were more into sex and not into dating, the ones who were into dating were straight dumb assholes. This app made me insecure even more. I had gained a lot of weight and wasn’t going to show my naked self to any man on planet earth as long as I was looking like I did. College had gone worst, I had failed almost all my classes and couldn’t pass for them all in the resit period. I didn’t gain the required 50% and wasn’t allowed to study at this university anymore and didn’t see that coming. I had to make a choice ASAP and quickly decided I should go for a language teacher’s program. I came home crying after a week in that college, quit, and started Applied Linguistics all over again, in another university. By October 2014, still single. 

I couldn’t find my marks in here, I wasn’t friends with anyone, still thinking about last year where everything was great friendship wise. October went by, the first year anniversary of my sister’s death. I couldn’t believe it had been a year already. Update on my #YOLO project? Stil not very far, to be honest. I wasn’t in the mood either to yoloing the *ish out of everything. I felt like nothing. But at least, I wasn’t lying to my boyfriend about university, like Mister Small Penis did. About that story, Mister Small Penis told me he was in law school in Rotterdam when we met. At first, as I didn’t know Mister Small Penis, I believed him. You know, giving people the benefit of the doubt, right? After knowing him a bit, I quickly realized that him being in Law School is extremely ambitious. He was a slow minded person. He did speak his first language on a mother tongue level (I guess??) but, his English and Dutch were rotten and the rest of his polygotness, inexistent. He then told me his mom paid 8000 euros for his entire BA at Erasmus University while this is not how tuition goes in Holland. You pay year by year as you do not know if you can actually pass a year in college as you have to gain all credits back in order to pass to BA 2, fully. And back then tuition fee for a year in a Dutch College was around €1700,00 x 3 years in Law School = €5100,00. He also told me that he got a train abonnement from Antwerp to Rotterdam from the university, which after a little research, doesn’t exist. And when I confronted him with all these facts, he didn’t know what to say, as ‘Mommy did all the paperwork for him’. So, who are you trying to impress here, really? No one, indeed. Then, at the end of his so-called First BA in Law School, I asked him if he had any retakes to do (which you expect from a guy who isn’t that clever, I could even say, plain stupid.) and the answer was NO. He also had plenty of time to wake up around 10 during the finals, could study 3 to 4 hours a day and go to the gym at night like it’s all a piece of cake. Oh, oh! And he called me a couple of times during the academic year, telling me he was in class (in Holland, obviously) and hung on the phone for an hour, while I told him he shouldn’t call me as it is very expensive but he’d always tell me ‘Don’t worry, don’t worry, my mom pays the bill’ and as it an international phone call, I’d expect to pay half way through the conversation, but I never had to. And my true detective-self would found this to be strange and check his ‘flag’ on BBM that would tell me if he was in Holland yes or no and as I guessed, never of these times he would suppose to be in Holland, the Dutch flag would come up. NEVER.  

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So Mister Small Penis not only had a small penis, he was a filthy lying prick too. Oh, oh! I was Googling ‘Mister Small Penis’ to see if this term was already in use (but it wasn’t) and I found a picture of sizes of penises and conclusion: we should call him Mister Extra Small Penis, as a ‘small penis’ was bigger than his, but we’re not going to do that, as I like Mister Small Penis as a name. In my case a name, in his case a Lifestyle and fact. For some reason, I’d like to prank him at the moment. Just because I feel like I should give Karma a push in the back. I once told him that one day Karma would take him back and I’d be watching him on the front row, but that day hasn’t come yet, and I’m really in doubt about if that day will ever come. 

Karma did somehow hit him after the breakup. A little before the breakup, the gym we went to was going to swap from being a HealthCity (an all inclusive gym) to Basic-Fit (a basic no facilities gym). He obviously wasn’t going to workout in a basic gym, so he was going to switch to HealthCity in Berchem. I would too, as it was the closest to where the other gym was and I fully used the sauna, tanning bed, and other facilities. At that time, we were still together but he started weird conversations about the gym, quite often. Saying it wasn’t a good idea going to that gym in Berchem because all his friends were there, he couldn’t give me any attention, etc. Pure Bull crap, I ruminated about for days. Literally, a day before the final day our gym was a HealthCity, he broke up with me! Don’t you think it’s weird? I did! That’s why he didn’t convince me to swap to another HealthCity in the city. Starting from November 2012, I went to HealthCity Berchem, and he was there too. He’d see me every single day and he’d look down to the ground, as of he was ashamed. He’d better look down, that son of a *****! He somehow became my motivation to go to the gym, this way I’d stay thin. I got quickly over that gym, left it as it was far from where I live and moved to HealthCity Keyserlei, in the city. 

2014 went by and somehow wanted to make friends in my class, and so I did. I became friends with Zoë and Ines. By that time in 2015, I was still very much single. I wanted to retire from the department of Singlehood, but things started to change a bit in that department. 

Each week I am going to tell you a piece of my singlehood story and last relationship, that will lead us to where I am today. If you are interested in knowing more, stay tuned on my blog because I will be posting an article each week to tell you more about it. I will not divulge any real names in it, if one day I use a name, I will make sure to change the name to another one, except if that person is okay with being named. Obviously, I am not sharing any specific details about my ex or any involved men. We’ll call him Mister Small Penis.

Until Next Time, 

Love | Sarah K.

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Singlehood, Part II: I’m over Mister Small Penis!

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Last week in Singlehood Part I: Damn it! It just got to me, he was one hell of an asshole and thinking about it made me realize why. I started cyberstalking him, to see what did chance in his life on social media, to see if he had someone else…

I’d gone through his BBM, WhatsApp, and Facebook. Suddenly, I see a girl post things on his wall, a little way too often, with ‘love’ emojis. Even though he stayed cool to all these messages, I knew this was just his way of hiding it. It got in my face like: That small-penised bastard had someone else! I don’t say he ‘cheated on me while we were together’ but to be with me he left his ‘booty call’ so why wouldn’t he leave me to be with this girl, right? I was fierce, I should have known that his leaving-his-bootycall-situation would turn out to be the same situation I’m in. I’m not going to lie, It got me down, but on the other hand, I kind of cyberstalked that girl and I quickly figured out that she has no future with him either. She isn’t religious, not from the same ethnic background and the background she is from, his mother hates the guts out of these people, #Racist. 

All the little things he said once just surfaced up to me. He once told me he was physically into these girls from ‘that ethnic background’. Now, the girl from ‘that ethnic background’ is suddenly pretty active on his Wall. She studies Law at the university, he told me he ‘studied’ law at the university (a lie I will talk about later). They are suddenly at the same parties ALL THE TIME. Come on, how much hints does a girl need to realize he was a sneaky bastard who used her? Oh and by the way, why do people who are overly active on social media with each other, are never on pictures together at these parties they are always at? Do you have something to hide, Mr. Small P.?

Sudden realization: he used me! I was just a past time baby till the next one arrived, but I’m sure she is just a past time baby too, till the next one arrives. It didn’t make me happy, but I thought: hey, I’m not the only one, so go on with your life, girl. That’s what I did. As I told you before, I went out, had too many drinks, great food and suddenly gained much weight. By the time I was completely done with him and wanted to meet new guys, I had gained so much weight that the insecureness got to me. I didn’t want to date any guy, any time soon. 

In the main time, I got my high school degree, went to college and that didn’t work out either. It became a whole mingle of things that gone wrong. I really felt like a piece of shit. I started college in January so I hadn’t had a full academic year. I fully started my first BA in October 2013, I met new people, made new friends and everything started to look like I was going to get a kick in the ass and everything would fall into place. There was a cute boy from abroad in my class and we got along (friendly speaking, bien sûr) but I quickly realized he had a girlfriend, #Bummer.  Okay, he has a girlfriend, so be it. He made me realize or made me make the click that I was 100% over Mister Small Penis. Unfortunately, my big sister died not so long ago, and not wanting to go into details, it didn’t better my situation. As she died very quickly, I decided that #YOLO was the way to go. I promised myself I would say yes to every invitation I got from friends. School was still a misery, I went out almost every single night, I belonged to a group of friends who were younger than I am and it fell good. I went to London with a couple of friends, had a blast all year round. But I forgot that I was single for one year and a half now. Did I care? I think I’ve got into the friend zone with… MYSELF! 

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By that time, I had gained ten kilograms since the relationship started, to April 2014. I did realize I was fat but somehow didn’t want to do anything about it. Dating people was not in my vocabulary. A friend told me about Tinder and I made an account, that wasn’t the best experience to be honest. I had a lot of matches but all were more into sex and not into dating, the ones who were into dating were straight dumbs assholes. This app made me insecure even more. I had gained a lot of weight and wasn’t going to show my naked self to any man on planet earth as long as I was looking like I did. College had gone worst, I had failed almost all my classes and couldn’t pass for them all in the resit period. I didn’t gain the required 50% and wasn’t allowed to study at this university anymore and didn’t see that coming. I had to make a choice ASAP and quickly decided I should go for a language teacher’s program. I came home crying after a week in that college, quit, and started Applied Linguistics all over again, in another university. By September 2014, still single. 

Each week I am going to tell you a piece of my singlehood story and last relationship, that will lead us to where I am today. If you are interested in knowing more, stay tuned on my blog because I will be posting an article each week to tell you more about it. I will not divulge any real names in it, if one day I use a name, I will make sure to change the name to another one, except if that person is okay with being named. Obviously, I am not sharing any specific details about my ex or any involved men. We’ll call him Mister Small Penis.

Until Next Time, 

Love | Sarah K.

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Column: Singlehood, Part I – Throwback Thursday to three years ago

Column Singlehood - BannerI have been single for a little less than 3 years now, and I feel that I should write about it, because it may be time for me to change that. Before I tell you why I should change my relationship status, I should tell you about my last one: 

Three years ago I was in a toxic relationship with someone I knew, it wouldn’t last forever. We did not share the same religious views (he was more religious than I am) and belongs to a family who looks down on people who are not from the same religious, ethnic and financial background than they are. Lucky him, we didn’t share anything in common on all three points, that was promising! He seemed sweet at first, and I myself didn’t have lots of boyfriends and found this to be the perfect opportunity to date him, even though, we were like ‘best friends’ at first and I knew by dating him, that the friendship would end at some point; I did it anyways. The only thing I gained out of this is the experience of having a 9-months-lasting-relationship, really, nothing else. 

After a six months relationship, the last summer of the relationship (around this time, three years ago), I wasn’t a happy person. It made me realize what we had was toxic and I should end it, ASAP. I did not, because I did not know how. As I was an unhappy person, I made him feel miserable from time to time and one day he just broke up with me (Halloween 2012), BOOM: trick or treat! I thought that this was my opportunity, I was free and felt that I should make him feel as he was the bad guy in this story, ‘cause he really just was, at the end. Me, being a great actress, I showed him what I got; I made him feel as I was madly in love with him, while I was not. We had a talk, face to face, and even though, I have to admit it, I was sad and had a hard time speaking, a part of me was still acting. For instance, when we had that talk, we had it in the apartment of a friend,  at the end we had nothing to say to each other and I decided to leave. As I knew he would follow 5 minutes later, I decided to stay in the elevator and pretend to cry in there, to make the bastard feel guilty. I know, it was evil, but he pretended to be sad too while this was all a joke to him. What a scumbag! I felt bad but still, I was convincing myself that he would regret it, wanted to start fresh and this could be the opportunity for me to break up with HIM! Yes, mam, I’ve got it all planned out! Unfortunately (or not), he was serious about the breakup and it finally got to me. He had someone else! I cried for a week, did not eat for 36 hours, lost 3 kilos and ended up depressed for six months. 

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During these six months, I cried over romantic songs I’m usually not emotional about; cried on the phone to a friend of mine about him ALL THE F-ING TIME; went out so much I gained so much weight that I ended up being disgusting. What I think broke me, was the fact that he broke up with me and not the other way around. I felt like I was the weak person who got broken up with. After six months, the crying ended, the depression: so-so. I was still depressed, but at least I did not cry over him anymore. Because, why would I? I was not even in love with him! He was definitely not my type; the sex was horrible; he literally had the smallest penis I had ever seen and the last six months of the relationship, he barely gave me any attention. Damn it! It just got to me, he was one hell of an asshole and thinking about it made me realize why. I started cyberstalking Mister Small Penis, to see what did chance in his life on social media to see if he had someone else…

Each week I am going to tell you a piece of my singlehood story and last relationship, that will lead us to where I am today. If you are interested in knowing more, stay tuned on my blog because I will be posting an article each week to tell you more about it. I will not divulge any real names in it, if one day I use a name, I will make sure to change the name to another one, except if that person is okay with being named. Obviously, I am not sharing any specific details about my ex or any involved men. We’ll call him Mister Small Penis.

Until Next Time, 

Love | Sarah K.

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